Logan Ury, author of How to Not Die Alone, shares the science of dating to help you make better choices in your love life. Listen in!
Behavioral scientist turned dating coach, Logan Ury is an internationally recognized expert on modern love. She’s the author of the new Amazon #1 bestseller, How to Not Die Alone. As the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, Logan leads a research team dedicated to helping people find love. After studying psychology at Harvard, she ran Google’s behavioral science team—the Irrational Lab. Logan lives in the Bay Area with her husband, Scott.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- The science behind why dating is so hard
- How dating can be improved
- The Three Tendencies in Dating
- Why you shouldn’t be looking for the ‘spark’
- How to stop searching for a prom date to find your life partner
- The biggest mistakes people make in dating
- Ways to make dating fun
How to Not Die Alone
What inspired you to write this book?
I’ve had these dueling interests in science/psychology and love. At Google, I was single and on the apps, and I tried to find ways to combine behavioral science and love. Relationships are a series of decisions.
Your book is about the science behind finding love. Is love a skill? Is dating? Can it be taught?
I believe love is something that happens to you. But dating is a skill. It’s complex. We’re drawn to choices, but too many choices leads to overwhelm and depression. With dating apps, certain people are getting so overwhelmed with messages and likes. They sometimes go on lots of dates.
In the book you say people fall into Three Dating Tendencies. What are they, and why do people need to know?
In my work as a dating coach, I noticed that people suffered from the same blind spots.
- The romanticizer: unrealistic expectations about love.
- The maximizer: unrealistic expectations of their partner.
- The hesitator: unrealistic expectations of themselves.
Most people are looking for instant chemistry, a spark, when they meet their significant other, but you say ‘F’ the spark. Why is that?
Clients go on dates and say they don’t feel the spark. People are caught up that if they don’t feel fireworks, it’s not connection. I debunk three myths:
- The more we know someone, the more we like them.
- If if feel the spark, that’s a good thing: Sometimes, we confuse anxiety for chemistry.
- If you feel the spark, the relationship is viable: Not true. Don’t stay in the wrong relationship, because you had a good start.
Go after the slow burn.
I love the story about how you met and fell in love with your husband, Scott. Can you share that with us?
I met Scott in college. Seven years later, I saw him on Tinder, and I swiped left, because he didn’t look like my type. We met again at Google, and he taught me coding. After a year, and working with a dating coach, I was able to change my pattern of chasing men and fell in love with Scott.
You say people should look for a partner, not a prom date. Can you explain the difference?
Most of us look for a very attractive person who you can have fun with. To find a long term partner, we need to make the shift. Take yourself more seriously, and know what you need in a life partner. Someone with a growth mindset, kind, emotionally stable, brings out the best in you.
What’s the biggest mistake you see people make when it comes to dating and relationships?
It’s blindspots. People are showing up to date, but they are doing things that don’t set you up for success. Effort matters, but mindset is so important. Patterns of behavior set you back. Let your best friend tell you the truth about what they see.
Most people have long lists of requirements for the partner they seek, and the list keeps them single. Why is that?
Many people confuse pet peeves for deal breakers, and make poor decisions.
PPP: permissible pet peeve. This is not a reason to negate someone.
In the book, there’s an exercise to figure out your true deal breakers, nice to haves.
What are some ways to make dating fun?
Dating is work, but it should not feel like you’re at work. The check list – do they have a grad degree, savings, etc.- doesn’t lead to connection unless you can inject fun and play into your dates. Don’t do ‘Press play mode’, have questions that are not small talk. Go on a dumpling tour, play an online game. Have fun!
Watch the video here:
Learn more at LoganUry.com or follow her @loganury
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