[NEW VIDEO] Ladies, do you make the first move in dating? You take charge in the rest of your life, so why not here?
Do you make the first move in dating, or are you still dating like it’s 1984? Many of us have been taught to always let men pursue us and never make the first move or it will turn a man off. Men hunt, women gather. If women have become so much more powerful at work the past few decades, isn’t it time for dating to evolve, too?
As women, we are more than capable of seeking out what—and who—we want. If we’re strong and successful in life, why aren’t we encouraged to be bold when it comes to finding love? Why should we have to sit back and passively wait for the men we like to choose us?
Women Should Make the First Move in Dating
Jon Birger, author of Make Your Move: The New Science of Dating and Why Women Are in Charge, and my guest on Last First Date Radio, offers women bold new strategies for finding love. Backed by research showing that women can win at romance by making the first move with the men of their choice, Birger explains why:
- It’s better to choose than to be chosen. If you wait to be chosen, you get what falls in your net. Men like women who like them. So you’re at an advantage when you choose men you like.
- The “play hard to get” method is not only outdated but grounded in bad science. According to science, testosterone levels are tied to gender roles, which have changed drastically over the past few decades. If testosterone levels are falling in men and rising in women, men are less inclined to be suitors than women today. So, stop playing hard to get!
- The first move doesn’t have to be big. All it requires is giving men a green light. They’ll take it from there if they’re interested.
- It’s time to log off of dating apps and date men you actually know. Birger believes women spend way too much time on dating apps that lead to a lot of frustration and very few dates. He suggests you meet people from your synagogue or church or other social circles. This may work well for women in their twenties and thirties with bigger social circles, but for women in their forties and beyond, online dating is still the best way to meet men. Having said that, don’t just rely on online date. Get out of your comfort zone and meet men in real life; at the hardware store, a restaurant, a plane or train.
- The workplace can be a terrific place to meet a long-term romantic partner. Birger writes that when you meet men at work, you get to know someone organically. You understand their values and their sense of humor. I agree, many workplace romances do work out. But, many don’t, and then it’s awkward to see each other at work after a breakup. Also, many women work at home or are retired, so this doesn’t work so well for women in midlife.
I believe in women being assertive, not aggressive in dating. That means:
- Send men the first message in online dating.
- After a few messages, if he doesn’t ask you out or ask to talk on the phone and you’re interested in getting to know him better, tell him you’d like to talk. Give him the green light by sending a message like this: “Hey, any interest in talking on the phone? I’m a bit old-school when it comes to dating, and I’d rather talk then text.” You’re giving him the green light to get on a call or ask you out.
- At the end of the date, if you like him and would like to see him again, let him know. Men are terrible at reading subtle cues. If you’re not clear, he’ll probably think you’re not interested. You can say something like, “That was fun. I’d love to do it again sometime. How about you?”
- If you’re dating for a while, and you’re ready to become exclusive, tell him. “I really like you and would like to focus only on dating you for now. How do you feel about that?”
- It’s okay to say “I love you” first, too! If you’re feeling it, be bold. Just let go of expectations that he needs to say it back at that time.
In conclusion, I believe women should make the first move in dating and relationships. When you give men green lights and clear communication, you help them know where you stand. And remember, men like women who like them. So go ahead and make the first move. There are men out there who will love you for it!
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