“My Boyfriend Blames Me For His ED”

“My Boyfriend Blames Me For His ED”

Let’s ease into this post-holiday Monday with some Shortcuts, shall we? For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I have been dating a divorced man with erectile dysfunction for over two years. When we first met, he said he wanted marriage and a child. Fast forward to present and there is not a proposal in sight. We are living in his old marital home that his ex purchased and there have been memories galore. She announced that she was a lesbian and divorced him five years ago. She had to wait six years for him to propose and he said he only did because she started “putting out” on the regular. As he’s aged and developed full-on ED, he has also developed very specific sexual proclivities such as the desire for butt sex and threesomes. I’ve tried to meet him halfway by spicing things up in the bedroom without crossing my own boundaries.

He says he is dissatisfied with me because I can’t arouse him even though he has a clear health problem and has been diagnosed with medical ED by a urologist. Even Cialis or Viagra hasn’t helped him function normally. At this point, I’m 38 and he is 41. I would like to get married and have a biological child, but given his stubborn insistence on wild sex and his ED, I think I need to look for someone else. I mean, is the writing on the wall? Should I cut my losses now and look for a marriage minded man who doesn’t use sex as the sole barometer in a relationship? — Fed Up with Flaccid

 
It seems like by any barometer, your boyfriend isn’t marriage material. And while sex should never be the sole barometer for a relationship you hope is headed toward marriage, the fact that it’s unsatisfying and dysfunctional for you both should be your cue to run.
 

There’s a guy who really likes me, and I really like him, too. He’s a go-getter, extremely intelligent, understanding, attentive, caring, musically inclined, we get each other, and watching an hour-long movie will take us three hours because we’re always talking. We also never fight. He’s handsome, too. I could spend every moment with him, and it would be perfect…However, the few times we’ve kissed, I’ve never liked it. The couple times he’s tried to cuddle with me in bed, I feel uncomfortable. I also wasn’t into the two times we had sex.

Why is this happening? I don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice? — Not Feeling It

 
Your letter made me think of this post from – omg – a decade ago. Kisses can change the dynamic of a potential relationship, for better or worse. While you and this guy seem to share great chemistry in a platonic way, it sounds like the physical chemistry just isn’t there. If cuddling, kissing, and sex all leave you feeling uncomfortable and unsatisfied, I’d kiss the idea of a romantic relationship good-bye and decide whether you’d like to try to keep this guy as a friend instead.
 

I’ve been married 25 years and have three teenage kids. A few months ago I found Tinder and Grindr on my husband’s purchase history, downloaded three years ago, two days apart. I wasn’t snooping; we have family share and my sons had some 80 apps and I was checking to delete some. Before I confronted him, I called Apple and spoke on the phone with a rep who said that the cloud next to an app means it has been previously downloaded and that apps cannot accidentally get downloaded. I was in so much shock!!! Just to preface, I was in a bad place mentally last year. My father died of Covid in Spring 2020 and I almost lost my mother in a car accident a few days before the app discovery. My husband denied, denied, denied. And I’m ashamed to say I believed him…

Come January, I see an invite to a sex chat room. Husband says he has no idea why he’s getting that. I didn’t question it because that’s happened to me with other texts too. Out of the blue five weeks ago, my husband started picking fights with me, which is unusual because we hardly ever fight. I have never done this before but I looked on his phone. I found two, calculators, a vault app, and recently-downloaded VPN app, and three dick pics he had deleted. Omg!! I confronted him and again, and he said he didn’t know what VPN App was talking about and that he was going to send the dick pics to me but changed his mind!! When? After our 4th blowout? How romantic.

It been a few days and we had not spoken. I think he feels if he keeps denying, I’ll give up and let it go. But I asked for a divorce today. His response? “Ok, but you have no proof I’ve done anything.” No “Let me prove to you that I love you,” no tears from him. I can’t get past not just Tinder but that he may be Bi… I’m not willing to live with that. I’m scared that I’m not doing the right thing. What if I find out he was telling me the truth and he didn’t do anything? Before this we had a great life and marriage together. Am I doing the right to thing? — Devastated in New York

 
I’d say that a good barometer for whether or not getting a divorce is the right move is when you ask your spouse for a divorce and he says “Ok.” Add in blatant lies, betrayals, potential cheating (or at least the pursuit of it), gaslighting, and nonstop fighting, and the only thing you should be debating right now is where to get a full panel of STI tests. I’m so sorry for the loss of your father, the near loss of your mom, and now the likely ending of your marriage; I hope that you will seek out the guidance of a good therapist if you haven’t yet.

***************Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.